I had a therapist tell me that I am  ‘relational’.

It has stayed with me, through the years, and now I say it to others when the time strikes appropriate.

Relational: to take-in/digest/metabolize the world, in the context of relationship. Occasionally, therapy has ‘Ah-ha’ moments. This was one of those, for me.

For individuals who are relational, it is hard to comprehend that some people are not ‘relational’.

The mere act of writing this, is a relational expression. It is a safe form of expression. Yes, I am wanting to connect and relate through my words.

I am unable to turn off my awareness of others in each space.  In my therapy, it came up in the context of a surf line up. My therapist (not a surfer) reflected that it made sense as to why I was struggling with a presenting situation. We talked it through. It doesn’t have to be about gender, although the combination of biological traits and socialization usually has an impact on the topic. Females tend to be more relational and males who are relational, tend to be othered by hypermasculinity.

When a relational individual is in a group of individualistic people, there is a resulting sadness. The relational individual is trying to connect. By connect, I am not necessarily saying ‘talk to’ or conversate. it is more about gesture of acknowledgement and a joint respect of a person in space as communicated through body language and nuanced exchange. You don’t have to be friends with someone to respect them in a relational manner. For example, when I walk into Cumberland Farms I head nod or smile at the person that I pass-by. We are in the same space. We could be anywhere in the world or in the span of time, and we are both walking into Cumberland Farms at 6:30am in a small town in New England. We are both starting our days.  That’s cool.  That’s a relational outlook.

I lived in a mountain village in Guatemala for a month about 13 years ago. I was an outsider. The locals were in traditional indigenous garb. They never hesitated, though, to acknowledge my presence as demonstrated by a simple head nod and exchange of niceties. “Buenos Dias”. They might have been experiencing judgment about my appearance or my intent in being in their village. We all experience judgement; it is a matter of what we do with it and how loud we ‘turn it up’. Judgment is a way to ‘other’ someone.  It is a way to severe connection. If there was judgment, it was turned down low, and the greater intention of respect was turned up a little louder.   That is how community is created.

This was a solid point of awareness in my life journey. The real time difference of culture, communicated via respect. The beauty of nuanced exchange and an ability to put ‘self’ to the side.  It was particularly powerful in the context of my life, because I had spent the 10 years prior, in New York City (side note: I have to say, though, that while NYC is often regarded as individualistic, there is also a deep sense of ‘we are in this together’).

I am a an introvert, which means that I am deeply affected by external stimuli and energy.

I need alone time to recharge. I need alone time to give a rest to the part of me that is programmed to think about the other. When you are relational it can be difficult to manage people who do not have this outlook of the world. It is deeply frustrating. What is the opposite of relational? Individualistic? ‘This is mine.’  ‘I was here first.’ In the very nature of this characteristic, they cannot HEAR.  I don’t necessarily think that this is always meant to be hurtful or with ill intention.  Sometimes you can reflect to someone this quality and they will have insight.  “I’m sorry I did not listen to you.”  (simple example).  I like to believe this is the point where individualism finds the balance of healthy and unhealthy. An individualistic perspective without insight is like talking to a wall.  It can be infuriating.  This is where, therapeutically, I encourage people to not engage and resist the urge to ‘reach out’ because it usually results in further frustration and hurt.

I was once told, “I guess I never noticed you” by a member of my community whom I had interreacted with hundreds of times. This was mind blowing to me (whether true or not). It was said with the intention of hurt. Perhaps part of me was envious. What is that like to be so wrapped up in yourself that you don’t even notice someone else? And even if it is not true, why would there be an energy of boasting about it? A overt expression of “I am more”, “I am better”.  You are not worth my time. These type of statements don’t exist in a vacuum. They are usually a sign of a deeper rooted toxicity (misogyny?).

So, yes, now  we start to bridge with the state of the world (i.e; ICE agents). We have determined that you are ‘less than’ and that you don’t belong here. Being educated is not about ‘school’.  It is about an awareness of the world in which you live, and the current state of society.  This knowledge/awareness enables one to exist in society with a sensitivity to larger issues and informs the way they interact with others.  The opposite is ignorance.

When you take a concept that existed at a certain point in history and try to apply it, out of context, that is ignorance.

I recently saw something about the crone archetype. It was on a Depth Psychology Instagram page. It talked about how, as women age, we have hormonal shifts that result in psychological rebirth.  We shed a part that has been programmed and societally conditioned. Elder women say the hard shit that no one wants to hear, and it is easier to call them a ‘Karen’ then do any kind of reflection on patriarchy. I reflect on how important this is, in terms of society, and on a smaller community-based level.  This could easily go into the history of matriarchal societies.  You can look that one up on your own.

And as it goes, the people who are the loudest are the ones to be heard. The proverb ‘Empty vessels make the most noise.’ To be ‘loud’ you kind of must be individualistic, because ‘loud’ is a one-way expression versus relational interaction which is thoughtful and requires time, listening, and reflection. It is a respect of ‘other’.

Creatives find a way to be heard via their art. The art/creative expression is a relational outlet. We can be quiet and yet still be heard. We can connect with safety.